held in these hearts.
well damn. y’all have gone done cracked this heart even wider. it’s so interesting to know you are growing and yet still be knocked slick off your feet by something you knew was happening. or maybe more truthfully, that the growth came in at a different angle.
it’s hard for me to accept being love. truly letting folks love me. from a distance we’re cool. but to see me all open and raw and in the flesh up close + personal, accepted and even more, loved for the goo and the guts that spill forth, it makes me twitch … and then expand.
i felt this big bowling over fiercely {sad to say i was in my 40s to feel and understand it, for real, but that’s why I am working so damn hard to stay connected to my body and to a place where I can fully feel grounded + open + accept the world around me} one day when the grief for my aunt who was across town in hospice swept in I literally could not make my feet move my body outback to the studio, a couple of friends {and yes my yogis are some of my dearest friends and I don’t separate, that line of teaching is utter bullshit - let’s blog about that on another day 😉} who made their way early literally held me up, cried with me and greeted the others to cancel the class. the next day I had groceries in my fridge and texts of love and support that buoyed me thru to this day.
it was the awkwardness and the connection of heart and the staying and the holding and the not talking and the shared stories and the tears - it was some unexpected vulnerabilities, straight from the cuff love like I don’t remember ever experiencing before. and the thoughtfulness that followed was this OH MY GOD this, this is some love and this is friendship. allowing yourself to be seen and supported and to see and support. and this. this i will work hard to embrace and lean into for myself and for others foreverrrrrr.
as i am preppin to leave for Peru, i have again been buoyed by an outpouring of love {in a plethora of ways - friends, family MY HUSBAND + CHILDREN OH MY GGGGG} that I didn’t expect and have struggled to accept bc one more time i am humbled in the face of true and honest love and support for, simply being. like i am not sure i deserve it (again, working on it 😉) but y’all i am feeling it. and it’s been almost as immobilizing as the grief. bc i think the universe is saying stop, stop and pay attention, friend. this is important. this validation of spirit and connection that yes, juju, this journey that you’ve been called to, this is it. you’re in it. you’re in it. and you’re right where you need to be. and you are loved and lifted, safe and supported, held in these hearts.
it’s really not hard for me to understand anymore that the magnitude vibration of joy and grief feel very similar for me. bc well, big love is at the root of both.
and hot digitty damn, i am loved so very well and hope i pay that shit forward and others are moved the way y’all have mooooved me.
grateful seems too small a word but it’s all I have right now 🙏 so thank you. for lifting and loving this anxious lil explorer out into the wild 🙏
the ease and the struggle in me, honor the ease and the struggle in you ♥️
